28th February 2009, Saturday.

At the end of the day when it comes down to it
All we really want is to be closed to somebody
So this thing where we all keep our distance
And pretend not to care about each other
It’s usually a load of bull
So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to
And once we have chosen those people
We tend to stick close by
No matter how much we hurt them
The people who are still with you at the end of the day
Those are the ones worth keeping
And sure sometimes close can be too close
But sometimes that invasion of personal space
It can be exactly what you need

It has been awhile since we met
Seeing you again
Seems to have calmed my shaken heart
I like the way you look at me
I like looking into your eyes
I like hearing the way you talk
It tells me there is something deeper inside
I want you to know that I like you
And I hope you will find happiness in your life
I will always miss you

27th February 2009, Friday.

It has been serene for a period of time
Ever since I made the decision
To put a halt in my life
I was calm and quiet
My heart was still
I could feel the lives going on around me
But I was neither affected nor attached

Someone scolded me of a decision I made
I could tell that he was really angry
The anger has affected him so deeply that
He could go on scolding and to a point cursing me
Whether I was right or wrong
There are certain decisions in life
Which you made because you believe that
It is for the better of the future
I was not affected by his words
Because I know in time his anger will fade
He may not talk to me ever again
But he will get over it sooner or later

But today
I received a news that shaken my heart
She's sick again
I am not sure how serious it is yet
I always knew that of all things in my life
Her health has always been my deepest concern
I was working when I received the news
And for the first few minutes
My hands were shaking
And I cried a little

My heart is trembling
Not knowing what's next is unbearable
I am trying very hard to see it as it is
This love from a child to a parent
Can never be measured by anything

I was thought the many kinds of love
And one of it was called the divine love
A love that one sacrifices its life for another
Oh dear Lord and angels
If you hear my prayers
And if there's any good that
You have bestowed upon me
Please take that good
And bless her with a stronger heart
A better life, a happier soul
For she has done anything in her life
But to love us all unconditionally

25th February 2009, Wednesday.

I am suppose to feel panicky
But I am not
I am suppose to be worrisome
But I am not
I am suppose to be extremely thrilled
But I am not
I am suppose to plan
But I am not
I am suppose to know what to do
But I am not
I am suppose to feel scared
But I am not
I am suppose to feel excited
But I am not
What I am really feeling is mere
Silence
Serenity
Calmness
Sadness
Peace

22nd February 2009, Sunday.

Finally, a weekend where I do not have obligations towards Kay Pee.
Feeling free and relaxed.
Tiffany called me up for lunch.
She was supposed to meet me at 1 p.m. but she was late.
It's OK, I am a very patient person.
And I don't sit and wait and do nothing.
I got my PowerShot with me.
So I headed to Arab Street to snap some pictures.

This is the only biggest mosque in Singapore.
The only significant one and yet I do not know the name.
It is rare to see mosques here;
And even more rare to hear the loud prayers.
Where these are such common sights back in Malaysia.
Hearing their prayers brought familiarity & warmth thoughts of home.
For about 10 years of my life
I stayed less than 5 minutes walk from the community mosque.
And each morning at 5.45 a.m. the prayers roar.
If you're a light sleeper
You can almost recite the prayers every day.
Somehow that's what I missed.

Bussorah Street.
A place where the Muslim community gathers.
Xing Wen calls it the Baghdad of Singapore?
Well not quite the same my friend.

Sheeshah or Hookah?
Whichever name it is called
It's a common liking of many who hangs out here.
I've tried it once with the peach flavor.
You have to breath in hard and blow the smoke out.
You should not suck in all the smoke into your lungs.
The trick is however
To have the effect of smoke coming out of your mouth
You really need to breath in deeper.
It costs around SGD30-40 per item.
Share it with your friends.
It's quite fun for the first few times.
And when you got use to it
It is very relaxing and soothing.
Don't worry, it's not addictive & contains no nicotine.

Haji Lane.
This lane wakes up when weekend nights crawl in.
Big group of friends gather for drinks and sheeshah.
Mostly youth groups.
(Well, I think I belong to the not-so-young-anymore group)

Bali Lane.
Just another sight of the Arab Street.
If you happen to be there
Watch out for this uniform retail shop
Who displays a very scary fake hair model.

Kuay Teow with duck meat in dark herbal soup.
That's what we had for lunch.
I am not a big fan of duck meat but this taste pretty good.
The shop is located opposite of Bugis Junction.
It's at a corner; quite easy to locate.

Later on, I headed to meet up with old buddy, Ying.
We went to Pasir Ris Park for cycling.
The cycling park is built along the north coastal area of Singapore.
It was breezy and sunny.
Perfect day for cycling.

Singapore being one of the biggest shipping port in Asia.
You never really get to see the ocean far across the horizon.
But you could catch the scene of berthing ships and vessels.
Not the usual natural scenery but it's quite a sight.
How often does one really get to see ships that close?

Ying on her more modern bike.

And of course that's me.
I chose a more retro bike.
The ones where grandma used to ride on.
No gears and only paddles.
It makes clink clank sounds as you move.
It was quite fun.
And again brings back good old memories
When I was riding back at grandma's kampung.

Deli Moroccan at Bussorah Street.
It was dinner time.
We headed back to my favorite restaurant on the island.

Tagin Chicken with Potato.
The chicken is hiding below all that potato.
It is some kind of stew in clay pot.
The chicken and potato is cooked to perfection.
With a mild-taste spice, the chicken has an "built-in" buttery flavor.

Chicken kebab with tomato salad.
Anyone can make kebab.
BUT! Not everyone can grill kebab to a level of succulent juice and taste.
Yummilicious!

All that wouldn't be perfect
Without its home made pita bread.

Later that night
We headed to a cafe located near Boat Quay.
I think it was quite a unique set up.
It's a place where people go in groups of at least 3 or 4.
Get a table, some drinks and some snacks.
And you will be introduce to all sorts of games in the world.
The games they have will blow your mind.
I have never seen so many types of board games in my life.
Well the picture depicts me trying to remove a block
Without making the rest of it fall.
We played about 4 games.

Ying won 3.
I lost 3.
Wen Yao won 1.
Well, I am bad at games.
And got to heads up to Ying.
With that sweet face of hers.
She can be quite "cunning" in games.

16th February 2009, Monday.

I was trying to make a reimbursement from firm's system.
I have no idea what I clicked.
The above error message popped up.
"Transaction was deadlocked on lock resources with another process and has been chosen as the deadlock victim."
Seriously! What the fuck is that?!?!
And why does it sound like I just murdered someone?!

15th February 2009, Sunday.

It was Valentine's Night.
As part of my intention to bid farewell
To those whom I have become close with
I will do anything which is not within Joanna's Norm Behavior.
Just to explore every single aspect of whom I could become.
Is that not how our lives should be?
To experiment all possible ways
So that eventually we could find our true calling.

I called up Tiffany and said
"Hey let's do something tonight!"
"OK. Do you want to sing or do you want to dance?" Tiffany asked.
"I want to rock my booty!" I replied.
"Great! We'll go St. James Power House!" Tiffany's favorite place I presume.

First shot: Vodka with cranberry juice.
Truth be told, I hardly ever drink alcohol.
The last time I was really drunk and knocked out was a decade ago.
See that 2nd glass which is still full? Yeah that's mine.
The last one which is almost done, that's Saerah's.
Saerah is a tough girl.
She drinks like how I drink plain water.
Amazing. Truly impressed.
Well I only drank half of that glass.
Pretty tasty I reckon.

Second shot: Hennessy with Coke (not "Cock", *Smirk*)
A drink which Tiffany mixed for us.
Almost 70% Hennessy cum 30% Coke.
Took a sip and I said out loud: Fuck!
Why does hard liquor have this burning sensation?
Is that why people enjoy them?
Well the fact I like it because it is sweet.
Again, I only drank half
And gave Saerah the rest to "deal with it".

Then we proceed to the center stage to wait for the live band to begin.
Good music and good sound system is important to jive the night up.
But really, nothing beats live performances.
Even you have no idea who are the singers!

The Boiler Room has an interesting set up.
Call me country pumpkin or whatever.
Maybe some other clubs are way cooler.
But I really enjoyed myself last night.
That's the Ah Gua who sang and joked all night.
Thumbs up to him for having such courage and confidence!

Then, we have the rapper cum singer.
Pretty awesome as well.

My favorite is this girl.
No idea what's her name or where she comes from.
But she has a pretty amazing vocal.
And she sang "If I were a boy" by Beyonce Knowles.
One of my current favorite songs!

Well when you are having a girls' night out.
You can NEVER do without cam-whoring!
And so we did have our fair share of it.
That's Tiffany and I.

That's Juvan.
Looking pretty and sexy as always!
I really like her short hair look.
She can really bring "short cut" on.
Juvan, you rock with the hair!

And that's Saerah.
Always looking sweet and cute.
I haven't seen Saerah for months since she left the firm.
Now she's living the "happily ever after" life.
I wonder if I will too?

Besides drinking and cam-whoring
One of the best part of the night
Would be dancing to live performances
Well I guess I just love dancing
And while I am at it
I really couldn't careless of whoever is around.

Will I miss this part of my life when I leave?
Of course I will.
But as my good friend have said:
If it's bad it won't last long;
If it's good it won't last too.

Either ways, I know for sure that
I do not regret for coming here.
Despite the many mishaps which I have encountered.
Now, I have never felt more certain in my life that
It is time to pick up my luggage
And move on with full grace.

14th February 2009, Saturday.

Today is the very special day call Singles' Awareness Day...
Oops I meant Valentine's Day.
So my friend and I decided to meet up at Holland Village
To hang out & have lunch.
We were suppose to meet at 1.15 p.m. at Coffee Bean.

I was there at 1.30 p.m.
No sign of my friend.
That guy was standing there for quite some time.
Most probably waiting for his friend too.

Received a SMS from my friend.
My friend said the traffic was bad.
And that he was very sorry for being late.

So I went walking around Holland Village.
I used to hang out here with Susi.
One of my dearest friend in Singapore.

1.45 p.m.
Still no sign of my friend.
So I continued walking.
I climbed up the stairs.

I walked along the shops.
Remembering the days when Susi and I had our girls' time out.

2:00 p.m.
Starvation started.
My friend again sent an apologetic SMS.
No use, hungry woman = angry woman.
Well, not really pissed.
I kinda like hanging around Holland Village.
It's different from the rest of the island.
It's more relaxed and much quieter.
No silly queues, no crowd.

2:15 p.m.
My friend finally arrived.
"You know you are lucky that you are good looking." I said.
"I know." Friend replied.
"If not, I would have killed you." I said.
"Well, I am as hungry as you are, fucking traffic jam!" Friend replied.
And then, we stopped at El Patio.
Because I really felt like having some Mexican food.

That's the exterior setting of El Patio.
Quiet nice, I like it.

About 2.30 p.m.
Our lunch is finally laid in front of our eyes.
"This is probably one of your latest lunch." Friend said.
{No, it was one of my earliest dinner!} I thought.
My friend still had the courage to pour that onto my face.
My chicken fajita was yummylicious.

I love hanging out with my friend.
Simply because he is not whiny.
He gives no shit to whatever people say.
A character which I have "downloaded"
And installed into my system.
The carefree or rather, care-LESS, attitude.

Nowadays, I don't always feel great.
But today, it is a pretty good day for me.
So listen carefully.
Fuck it.
And have a Great Singles' Awareness Day!

13th February 2009, Friday.

8th February 2009, Sunday.

Yesterday was the 13th day of the Chinese New Year celebration. One of my dearest friends, Yuby suggested that we should have our own celebration before it ends (on the 15th day - Chap Goh May). And so we did...

So after dinner, we began our "Lou Hei Ceremony" ...

First step: Yuby mixes lime on to the salmon.
Second step: Yuby puts in the salmon to the "Yu Sang" plate
while Kelly poses for the camera ...
Third step: Yuby pours in the honey while Kelly continues to pose ...
Fourth step: Everyone shouts "Tian tian mi mi!"

"Ready ... Get Set ...."

"Lou ah!! ... No need to work OT ah!!"

"Faster find rich husband and get married ah!!"

Kelly: "I eat first ah .. "

After "Lou Hei", the cam whoring started ....

Geok Choo and I

Yih Soon and Geok Choo

Kelly, Yuby and Myself

Kelly the poser, getting ready to pose at every second

Everyone else (fron left): Swee Ern, Swee Ai, Kelly, Eng Yong and Yuby

That's Eng Chuank and myself.
Eng Chuank is my fellow Klang-ian, who talks really loud.
First shot: Disappointed. We are seated as though we hardly know each other.
Second shot: Seated closer with Eng Chuank's food coated hand on my shoulder (=_=)''
and posing his stupid "V" sign to show how "young" at heart he is.

So that's our final celebration of this Chinese new year. And it's going to be a new year for me with a new start of something unplanned, unexpected and definitely full of surprises.

7th February 2009, Saturday.

(Excerpts from The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari by Robin S. Sharma)

There is nothing noble about being superior to some other person.
True nobility lies in being superior to your former self.
If you want to improve your life and live with all that you deserve
You must run your own race.
It does not matter what other people say about you.
What is important is what you say to yourself.
Do not be concerned with the judgment of others,
As long as you know what you are doing is right.
You can do whatever you want to do,
As long as it is correct according to your conscience and your heart.
Never be ashamed of doing that which is right.
Decide on what you think is good and then stick to it.
Never get into the petty habit of measuring your self-worth against other people's net worth.
Every second you spend thinking about someone else's dreams,
You take time away from your own.

6 February 2009, Friday.

The following text is by Rabbi Shmuley.

Although you may believe that someone or something has the key to your happiness, the truth is that you decide whether you lead a joyful life, Rabbi Shmuley says. Many Americans see happiness as a goal, something they want to pursue, but the more you pursue it, the unhappier you'll be, he says. "Happiness is not a goal; it's the natural byproduct of a purpose-driven life," Rabbi Shmuley says. "If you have a life full of purpose, you will feel content and feel good about yourself."

Rabbi Shmuley offers his advice on how to be happy without really trying.

* Stop focusing on your happiness. Focus instead on whether your life is full, rewarding and meaningful, Rabbi Shmuley says.
* Surround yourself with a structure of selflessness. Find joy in a life of service, he says. "Giving your love to people and focusing on others will naturally bring happiness into your life," he says. "Foster creativity, promote teamwork and mentor others—rewards and promotions will come along in due time."
* Bring spirituality into your daily life. Try meditating, attending church or praying, Rabbi Shmuley says. Spirituality doesn't always have to do with religion, he says.
* Spend more time "being" than "doing." "A great way to do this is spending time with your kids playing and goofing around and just enjoying spending time together," he says.
* Laugh at yourself a little. "Try not to be critical of yourself, and celebrate your everyday successes," Rabbi Shmuley says.

5th February 2009, Thursday.

I stood by the sink, staring into the mirror.
I don't recognise the girl inside anymore.
I don't even feel attached to what I saw.
Then I had this gush of feelings rushing up from my gut;
Up to my chest.
It was very unpleasant.
My breath deepens.
"What is this? Why am I still doing here?"
"Get me out of here now!"
Images of the past flashes through my mind's eye.
I could not recall when was the last time I actually slept.
I have forgotten when was the last time I was happy and carefree.
I have no recollection of when was the last time I felt strong & healthy.
I have exhausted the reasons & excuses which are holding me back.
It is time to stop and have a bird's eye view.
I had enough.
And now it is time to take a big turn for something different.

1st February 2009, Sunday.

This is usually how it goes in our line of duty.
You take up an accounting course in any university.
You graduate after 3 to 4 years of torture.
Well at least you thought that was torture before you actually start work.

Every body advises you to join an auditing firm;
To gain maximum exposure in the shortest time possible.
And because of you are afraid that you may lack behind your peers, you did that.
You entered into the wonderful world of auditing.

You were told that auditing involves late nights.
But you have no idea how bad all these late nights could be.
Well I know it was a culture shock for me.
After 2 years, my body is still very resistance to this unreasonable culture.

On the very first day of work,
Your seniors have already started talking to you in auditors' lingual.
They make you feel like you are the dumbest person ever;
Whatever you have studied for the past couple years have no relevance whatsoever.

The very first audit jargon told to me was this:
"Please roll forward the accounts of ABC Ltd."
My mind literally had the following chain of thoughts:
"Did my senior just ask me to print out a set of accounts, and "roll" it with my hands?"

Two years have passed since I joined this firm.
And now I am a senior to many juniors.
Truth be told, I still feel like the silly girl who was asked to "roll over" the accounts.
More than half of the time, I honestly have no idea of what I am doing.

One day I was sitting at my desk,
Looking at my juniors, who will anytime pop a question to challenge my knowledge;
Have a sneak peak at my beloved clients, who sometimes will intentionally create some havoc just to spike up your blood pressure
Staring at my bosses' emails, who many times believed that you are an extraordinary being who only need very little sleep.
Then you force your mind to come back to the report at hand, which you actually have to submit, but have no idea what was written there.

People come and go in my line of duty.
Mostly going actually, usually after 3 to 4 years of "hell".
Everyone around you is always complaining about:
The boss, the juniors, the clients, the laptop, the food, the coffee lady, EVERYTHING!

I did complaint pretty much as well.
I felt ill plenty of times.
I got depressed for a certain period.
I felt useless and disappointed with myself.

I could have left a long time ago but I am still here after all that had happened.
It is only because of the nature of the job - the vast characteristics of people you meet.
You would have at least 6 bosses to deal with for 6 different projects you have.
They could be fun; easy going; bold; serious; uptight or even ridiculous.

Then every year, you get to see new "baby faces" joining the world of hell.
They too have a million of characters, attitudes and behaviors.
And it challenges you as a senior, as to how are you going to teach them at different level of skills, expertise, and interests.
Working with people who are younger than you, reminds you so often of how "cute" and "carefree" you were once, and it just put a smile on your face to see them.

Clients you meet each time can have an impact on your growth to a certain extent.
They teach you patience, tolerance and also when to stand up and stick up for yourself.
There are those who are very kind and patient to even teach you accounting.
There are those who are somehow "born to dislike" auditors;
It's like they would wake up each morning, and tell themselves:
"Today, I am going to give the auditors a hard time."
After seeing more than 20 over clients, I still could not make sense of them.

It is not an easy job.
It is both technically, physically and emotionally challenging.
The cue is to know what your priorities are in your LIFE.
Then you would know where you stand in this job;
And how far you want to go from here.

Once, my senior told me:
"You have to take care of yourself first and your priorities;
Other things will just be secondary.
And that's when you know you will go far."